When I began the ALL SAiNTS mythology—8 years ago! — with what I thought was going to be a short film called “The Haunting”, my intention was to create a fun update for Halloween. But something more stuck with me: my own ghost and the haunting of my mind — questions of what comes next and do the feelings of such connected love live on once our bodies cease to be.
This was a rabbit hole, that once explored, gave me both great joy and anguish — just like Love itself. It’s power so overwhelming and vividly real.
Of course, pondering these questions when faced with the day-to-day of living seems like a luxury when it feels like I am always struggling to “keep my head above the water.” Yet the more I explored my thoughts on this matter, the more I realized that who I am NOW will determine who I become in a future that is unknown.
And so “The Haunting” became my next project, “Answered Prayers” — my primal yell of anger at a world in which I felt like I had no control. And now three years later, I continue following what has become an expanded ALL SAiNTS mythology in my quest to better understand where I, and my holy gayness, have come from.
At first, I began my story with that same anger, born from my past and religion which has done more to enhance the power of kings of power to subjugate, repress and abuse so many people over time and even today. I wanted to prove a larger point — to prove to my mom and dad that they were wrong in their religious morals that became the cornerstone of my upbringing and that energy drove me as it has always done: with purpose and determination. Along the way of that journey, everything changed.
On a cold day last November, the first blizzard of the season signaled that winter had begun. The following day, the sun blazed bright, bouncing off the snow that blanketed the ground and the ice that covered the pond and encased the streams.
Having been pent up in the house for days, our dogs and I rejoiced in the sun’s rays and for a moment, the cold day seemed to go away. And just as excitedly as the day started, I watched helplessly as my biggest dog Joey stepped onto the ice-covered pond. I yelled out for her to stop and in doing so, she jumped back quickly, causing her to break through the ice; pawing at the air as she sank below.
My actions were quick — I tried to grab her but she dropped out of sight in what seemed like never-ending darkness, and without thought I jumped in after her, believing that my feet would hit the bottom.
But I sank.
My boots, designed to protect me from the elements, began to fill with water and dragged me into the fiery, ice-cold hell.
In her desperate fight for life, Joey climbed on top of me, and with what I believed may be the last of my living energy, I pushed her up over the stone wall and out of the pond. However, the force of that effort did not push me down further but rather somehow propelled me up. My hands found the rocks of stone wall, a calm came over me and I used the jagged stones to pull myself up and out of the water. Gasping for breath, my lungs and body feeling the pain of unforgiving cold — as I cried out for my husband to save me. And he did. Thankfully, all ended well, and I am still here to tell the tale but its effects on me are clear and will be lasting—some good and some I do fear. But I will never forget that brief moment of quiet, loneliness, cold and afraid — because that is when I discovered who i am, as i did my best to keep my head above the water.
Being right about what i think and believe is not important, how i AM is. Who i am NOW is all that matters; Who i become tomorrow is decided NOW. And in the nothingness of my mind i have discovered that The End is Just the Beginning.
Thank you all for your joyful, loving and enthusiastic embrace of these films — without your energy, and the tireless work of our Actors, they do not exist.
Love Always, JJ.